Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Life's tough

Life is tough. I never thought it would be easy, but sometimes I wonder just how much God thinks I can handle.

Being married is tough. I try to make him happy, but it seems that instead of seeing things from my perspective, he just sees me as a selfish, negative, complaining woman. In short, I am always doing things wrong. There's a difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone. I wonder which one he feels for me.

Teenagers are tough. There is no instruction manual, and no matter how I deal with her, it seems I am wrong. It's even harder when the child you love seems to be doing her best at trying to drive a wedge between the two people who are supposed to love and protect her.

Being a parent is tough. It's difficult to spread the love and attention around evenly. Even if I do my best to make sure each child has what they need, inevitably, someone gets their feelings hurt, and, fairly or not, the blame falls squarely on my shoulders.

The weight of the world is tough. That's what my life feels like today....like I have all the weight and responsibility of everyone in my family on me, and that no matter how much I do, or how hard I try, it will never be enough. No one will ever be happy, and it is all my fault.

What can I do when everything I do is wrong? It's easiest to retreat inside myself, but that's wrong...it's selfish and not something a good mother should do. I can talk to my family, but regardless of my comments, I am perceived as a complainer, or negative, or just plain wrong. I can yell and scream, and then be labeled a bitch...wrong again.

I pray for light in the darkness. I pray for peace in what has turned into a stressful environment. I pray for grace to see God's will in my life despite all the crap that keeps getting flung at me when I come home each day.

I pray that I will be strong enough to deal with whatever outcome is in store for me.

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